presence of absence.
why is that we gain the most lessons when the teacher is gone?
when our idols join the ancestors?
when we revert back to our childhood and see the connects between the dots
of what influences are our and which ones are not?
did we hold our child deeply?
did we tell them how to cope with what lies ahead?
did we warn them about what we didn’t learn about self-literacy?
did we let our selves in on the fact of all the monsters under the bed being in our head?

or was that just me thinking out loud?
trying to join down words to capture the sounds that I don’t let out
because by the time I do it’ll probably be a shout
at myself for taking shots at people that give a fuck about me
as opposed to aiming at the ones that are merely trying fuck me

because i’m not here to start anything I can’t finish
because my parents worked to hard for this
for this moment
this shit right here
that has me feeling all kinds of exposed
maybe this is why rose
quartz makes my heart go the way it goes
or why i contradict myself all the fucking time
when i try and spt that I’m really trying to just kick it
but knowing damn well I need someone that’s legit
that’s done the work that I’m starting by sharing these words

because spelling is a spell
i’ve bound myself
to protect myself
to free myself
to surrender myself

my venus is in Capricorn
which means I’m pretty calculated with how i present myself
even down to my very favorite cat-eye look
but that also means that i’m steady
steady even when I don’t realize
steady because my love languages are comfortable with me giving more than receiving
because that is safer for me

maybe apparently because that implies that there’s some sort of sight in this
but my problem is that i feel like i need to know whether it’s hindsight or foresight
maybe it’s that flash i get from my ancestors that say
“Remember this moment” 
when a deja vu pops off
maybe it’s the way that drums calm but i get so scared to answer them
ring ring ring
“Veronica aren’t you there?
isn’t this what you came for?”
be careful what you wish for
because we are ancestors in training
and there is so much left to learn
presence of belonging.

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